Work, Friendship, Love - The Three Life Tasks

Continuing my deep exploration of Adlerian psychology from where I left off last week. Thank you very much for the warm reception and taking time to read my blog. I know it was a long one as some of you mentioned, but teleology as a concept is vast and mostly misunderstood. I tried my best to condense it to an 8-10 minute read time, don’t worry with this post I will make sure it is a short one.

In this blog, I will talk about Life Tasks in Adlerian psychology. The idea of Life Tasks represents one of the most practical and demanding aspects of human existence. Alfred Adler proposed that every human life revolves around three unavoidable tasks: work, friendship, and love. These are not career goals or social milestones. They are existential responsibilities. How a person approaches these tasks reveals their lifestyle, their courage, and their level of social interest.

Life tasks matter because they test whether a person can live cooperatively within society. For Adler, mental health is not defined by the absence of symptoms but by the willingness to engage meaningfully in these three areas. When a person struggles psychologically, it often reveals avoidance of one or more of these tasks.

Work — First Life Task

Work, in Adlerian terms, does not simply mean employment or income. It refers to contribution. Every human being must find a way to be useful to others. The central question is not “What job do I have?” but “In what way do I contribute to the common good?” A person who works only for status or superiority may appear successful, but internally may feel hollow. Contribution generates a sense of belonging; comparison generates anxiety.

Two software engineers may hold identical positions. One constantly compares himself with colleagues, worries about promotions, and feels threatened by others’ success. The other focuses on solving problems, mentoring juniors, and improving systems. Externally, both perform similar tasks. Internally, their orientation is entirely different. The first approaches work as competition; the second approaches work as contribution. The psychological outcomes follow accordingly.

Friendship — Second Life Task

We cannot exist in isolation without psychological cost. Friendship requires horizontal relationships built on equality, not hierarchy. This was one of the most eye-opening concepts for me in Adlerian psychology — the distinction between vertical and horizontal relationships.

In vertical relationships, there is always hierarchy. One person dominates conversation, makes decisions unilaterally, and seeks validation from the other. The relationship is structured around who is above and who is below.

In horizontal relationships, there is equality. People listen, exchange honestly, and neither dominates. Horizontal relationships demand the courage to see others not as rivals or tools, but as companions.

Many modern struggles with loneliness stem not from the absence of people, but from the absence of genuine horizontal connection. A person may have hundreds of social media contacts yet avoid deep conversation. From an Adlerian perspective, this avoidance serves a purpose — it protects against vulnerability. Real friendship requires mutual respect and openness. It cannot be maintained through superiority or approval-seeking.

Consider someone who keeps conversations superficial to avoid disagreement. On the surface, this preserves peace. At a deeper level, it prevents authentic connection. The individual avoids rejection but sacrifices belonging. Friendship, therefore, becomes a measure of courage.

Love — Third Life Task

Adler regarded love as the highest expression of equality. Love requires two individuals to share life as equals, without domination or dependency. It involves commitment, vulnerability, and shared responsibility.

In romantic relationships, many conflicts arise from power struggles. One partner may attempt control through criticism; the other may withdraw to regain autonomy. These behaviours are not random. They serve purposes — often protection from perceived inferiority. Genuine love requires relinquishing these defensive strategies. It demands the courage to trust another person without surrendering one’s dignity.

For instance, a person who fears abandonment may become overly accommodating, suppressing personal needs to maintain harmony. In the short term, this reduces conflict. In the long term, resentment builds. Adler would argue that such behaviour reflects an attempt to secure belonging without risking equality — a strategy, not a flaw.

Genuine love cannot survive without mutual respect and shared responsibility.

The Tasks Are Connected

These three life tasks are interconnected. Avoidance in one often influences the others. A person dissatisfied at work may withdraw socially. Someone isolated from friends may place excessive pressure on a romantic partner. Avoidance in one domain often reveals avoidance in all.

After reading the chapter on Life tasks in the book, I realised how I have been avoiding Friendship — the Life task. Being an introvert, I slowly started enjoying being Alone. When I say this most people confuse Alone with Loneliness. They are not the same thing. Loneliness is the pain of wanting connection and not having it. But when a person genuinely enjoys being Alone, it means he has tasted that part of life which he will not trade it for anything. Because of this guilty pleasure, I started distancing myself from my friends and from friendships that displayed vertical relationships.

What made this real for me was an unexpected phone call last week — from a school friend living in Dubai. We hadn’t spoken in nearly ten years. The distance and the years didn’t matter. Within minutes, we were talking as equals, openly, without pretence. That single conversation reminded me what I had been avoiding.

As Adler emphasised, life tasks are not solved once and for all. They are ongoing processes. Every stage of life reintroduces them in new forms. Careers change, friendships evolve, relationships deepen or dissolve. The question remains constant:

Are we contributing? Are we connecting? Are we relating as equals?

I have started my process of reconnecting with my friends in all possible ways that I can.

Ultimately, the life tasks framework invites a mature view of happiness. Happiness is not a private achievement. It is the by-product of meaningful participation in shared life.

Work anchors us in contribution. Friendship grounds us in community. Love teaches us equality. Together, they define what it means to live courageously.